I've discovered I'm avoiding.
All week I've been intending to sit down and post about the first session of my competitive Minecraft game and how it went. A quick summary with a few highlights about what I'm enjoying - easy, right? Well, not easy.
Maybe that's part of learning how to "parent" your inner child. You have the satisfaction of seeing yourself grow and learn, but you also have the heaviness associated with the clear view of what you missed out on. It's like the fog lifts a little bit and you have to both grieve what your child-self missed out on while simultaneously enjoying the current opportunities.
That first session of Last Life (the competitive Minecraft game) was tough. I started well, but then completely lost my logic after my first death. I stopped thinking clearly, and it cost me. It was actually very humbling. The video of that first session (of 8) is here if you're curious enough to watch it. At the moment it's unlisted, which I'll do until the 8-week season wraps up and I have my videos all edited.
As I wrestled with my self this week, thinking out loud to my friends, I found myself saying things like "I'm trying really hard to carve out time in my day to support all the different parts of myself: playful, administrative, contemplative, spiritual, etc." But then I'd feel this nudge in my spirit that oh-so-gently corrected me. "Beth, you haven't actually tried yet. You just really want to." And I would pout. Inwardly, but pout nonetheless.
Reluctantly, but knowing I couldn't ignore that nudge, I began to look at the ways that I'm spending my time. I'm filling up my hours with good things: launching a thearapeutic creative writing group for work, pouring into my inner child, learning other forms of creative story-telling, participating in a weekly study with some friends, running a Warhammer 40K league for the wargaming community, actively working on rebuilding my post-covid social life... on top of my full case load and being a new business owner. None of these are bad or unwanted or even unhelpful. But there isn't time for rest. There isn't time to notice my emotions. There isn't time to write. That's the big one.
My novel. The one I've been writing for 20 years. The one that's most important to me. It's being ignored. I'm actively avoiding it and pretending to do relevant associated personal work by engaging with my inner child. Don't get me wroing, inner child work is super important to my ability to understand the parts of myself that are going into this fantasy novel. But it's not necessary. I'm at the point where I just need to put it into words. No more planning. No more plot diagramming. No more editing. I just need to write.
And I'm avoiding it.
I need to meta-game this somehow. I need to learn how to avoid avoiding.
I'm not sure how to do that.