A while back I wondered if the Dragon were still around. The one who stole my voice. I found the answer to that this week - nope.
I have a deep insecurity. This deep insecurity looked like a Dragon, spoke like a Dragon, held me as a quivering captive the way one would expect a Dragon to do. Once that insecurity was understood for what it was, it lost power. I named it and gained the ability to master it.
But old habits die hard. The insecurity still lives inside and regularly (daily!) provides me with excellent opportunities to practice standing up for myself with myself. The tricky part is when I start to forget that I'm not responsible for keeping everyone around me emotionally well and stable. That was the Dragon's first lie to me. That others' stability rested on me. That others required my attentiveness and presence and constant encouragement before they could find the will to get their poop in a group.
The moment my mind falls back into the familiar rut of that lie, it feels like I'm voiceless again. That's why I thought I saw the Dragon. But you see, the Dragon doesn't have me. It wasn't insecurity that drove me back to being overly responsible. I did it to myself. I like feeling needed because I have trouble believing I'm wanted. I like feeling skilled and adept with attentive encouragement. I like dodging the scary unfamiliarity of speaking with my own voice and in the past have even rescued those who don't want rescuing just so I have an excuse to avoid telling my story.
The Dragon doesn't have my voice. I've given it to my inner cat. She's impertinent, lazy, and rather egocentric. Definitely arrogant. She's meant to be a lioness, but she's still got a lot of learning to do. Once she's grown more comfortably into her lioness form, she'll start using my voice to roar.
This week was a win. I wrote a whole page in my first chapter.
