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Coffee Thoughts (Part I)

Somewhere in between selves, I'm bridging gaps

And learning how to balance all over again.

Step by shaky step.

Like walking along those beams which served as fences,

Or to indicate parking,

Along the perimeter of my childhood playground.


There was something about running along the beams,

Teetering and stepping enthusiastically,

Showing myself that I had balance,

Coordination,

Before I'd run into the playground and make a beeline for the swingset.

Swinging never required balance or grace,

So it fit me.


My writing,

My Minecraft games,

My silly Youtube channel,

All feel like I'm running, balancing,

Enthusiastically stepping along a perimeter -

Not ready to enter the playground, yet.

Proving to myself that I have some balance,

Some coordination, maybe testing my ability to handle

Difficulties gracefully? Maybe that's me looking for meaning.

Hoping for meaning.


Maybe I'm just nervous to play. Playing isn't the

Responsible thing.

Letting myself play is still difficult, and so I'm

Proving to myself that I can balance,

That I can coordinate my own movements,

My own body, my own choices. My values.

Choosing my priorities.


There's a point at which I just need to step off the beam,

Run for the swingset first (if I need to, there's no shame in that),

So that I actually start to play.

Playing is difficult.

Playing is so very very important.



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