Recovering me

My goodness. Long time no post.

I nearly started a new post this year in May, and then life got away from me. I wanted to tell you that I've finally been able to reconnect with my creativity. I have my voice again, although it's still scary to use it.

Shortly after returning from my cruise this past February, I was introduced to a concept that had come across my radar before but hadn't registered because it didn't make sense to me. It's a treatment modality called 'listening therapy;' a specific type of physical therapy often used by occupational therapists which uses modulated music to retrain/recalibrate one's autonomic nervous system. More recently, this therapy has tested and proven helpful in reducing symptoms of PTSD, cPTSD, developmental traumas, anxiety, depression, and even issues with sleep, balance, digestion, and focus. There are several different specific trainings and approaches for it, the two bigger ones are the Safe and Sound Protocol, and Therapeutic Listening.

This blog post by Sam Dylan Finch caught my attention; I was intrigued. He went into the Safe and Sound Protocol with years of therapy and trauma treatment already under his belt. He had lots of tools and strategies. He was skeptical. I could relate.

By May, I'd tracked down a physiologist who could provide this service and had a consultation. They were lovely, and immediately affirmed that most of the symptoms I've been experiencing are consistent with burnout, the effect of chronic stress in the body, and the effects of developmental trauma. Just that validation on it's own brought tears of relief. I've done so much research on my own trying to understand why I'm stuck, and this was the first person to give me a confident diagnosis that perfectly fit everything I'd been through. I have dysautonomia. Basically, my autonomic nervous system doesn't know how to function properly anymore. My heart rate and my blood pressure and my metabolism and my vestibular system (sense of balance) have all been under so much strain for so many years that they don't function well anymore.

Over the next few weeks, I had several virtual sessions with my physiologist. Typically people are "prescribed" a 5-10 minute listening "dose" daily, but my body wasn't accepting that pace and made it quite clear from day one. During my first listening session (a whole 4 minutes!), it felt difficult to breathe, I had the onset of a migraine, and my feet became extremely fidgety and started moving on their own. I finally paused the music to ask my physiologist about this and they talked me through what was happening - we identified the habitual anxiety that others often talk about, and the fun (almost joyful!) sense of play that my feet were responding to. And that migraine turned out to be a psychosomatic symptom due to my own inner conflict: part of me wanted to just sit and exist and part of me so desperately to be healthy again that I was telling myself that I needed to listen to at least 5 minutes. I was loading myself with expectations again. Once we identified that migraine, by the way, it actually evaporated. Never in my years and years of combatting migraines, have I had something like this happen.

Oh, and within 15 minutes of finishing my listening therapy that day, I was having stomach gurgles and belches and my gastritis flare-up from that morning went away too. I was shocked.

Now that I'm just over halfway through the whole process, I'm noticing more of the relational outcomes Sam Dylan Finch was talking about in his follow-up post about what to expect. I distinctly remember the first day I was able to clearly and concisely say no to something and also provide a simple and direct explanation of my needs in that moment. It felt like I'd very suddenly been able to speak with a confidence I hadn't had in years. Maybe decades. In and around this same time, I had the deep, burning urge to write again. Creatively. Fiction. I wanted to work on a creative writing project, not my blog. Not my work blog. Not any of the social media accounts I manage. My book. Or a short story. I actually spent 4 hours that day digging through my writing ideas and trying to get my old laptop functional again because I was so very desperate to write.

Guys, it felt unreal. And the creative energy hasn't left. It wasn't a temporary spurt. I have consistent drive to create and my biggest hurdle is creating consistent writing time again. And finding words. Somewhere in the mess of the last 10 years I've lost ready access to my language fluency. I now have days where I have the concept on the "tip of my brain" and the words just won't come to mind. Or to my fingers. I'm not yet done the listening program yet, though. The Safe and Sound Protocol. I'm only just over halfway. I have more healing to do.

To those of you who've stuck around for this, cheers!